I was out for a drink with a friend when she started talking about a recent situationship. The grey, rainy day had been punctuated by – well, nothing - for both of us and we’d gone for a dog walk then retired to a pub with a fire, turning a nothing day into an instantly nourishing one.
“…but it was AMAZING at the start, we were all over each other, amazing chemistry, it felt like EVERYTHING… I don’t understand what changed?” she’d been talking about them for a while – great start, great chemistry, then subtle lies, undermining, then quite big lies and changes of heart but it was this sentence that made me sit bolt upright and suddenly, every hyper-vigilant bone in my body woke up.
I couldn’t believe it had taken me this long to spot it.
Therapist-mode kicked in and I asked how she felt – not the he-said she-said but how she felt about him. I was direct and she could see I wasn’t messing about.
“terrible… like… I don’t know who he is anymore, like… I don’t know who I am anymore”
She didn’t know who she was anymore.
Echo.
I immediately felt my heart lurch towards her.
She’d been reduced to an Echo – obsessed with trying to figure out this person. Obsessed with why they’d changed, who they really were and trying desperately to figure out how to get their ‘relationship’ back to how it was at the start.
I could spend time describing narcissism and narcissistic traits but if you’re reading this, you’ve likely already read the ‘red flags’, realised something has happened that you couldn’t control, and got to a place where you’re wondering “how could this have happened to me? And why do I feel this empty”
So settle in, get yourself a cuppa (or perhaps something stronger because I, for one, find this resonates) and let me tell you about Echo – the other half of the myth of Narcissus.
Echo was a beautiful mountain nymph who was eloquent and loquacious. Intelligent and graceful, she could spin a story like no other, it was her gift. One day, those beautiful words of hers upset the Gods, and she was cursed to only repeat the last few words that anyone else said (hence how we use the word today).
She sees Narcissus – probably in a secluded glade, light dappling through the trees – he is preening, gorgeous, and known to be arrogant and solitary. No-one is good enough for him. She sees him and she can’t speak to him. Eventually he says something mundane like ‘come here’ and she repeats. Misinterpretation ensues and she mistakes the words for love - lunges at him. He is repulsed and pushes her away.
He is then cursed to fall in love with himself in the pool – this part of the story most of us know – and wastes away obsessed with himself. Meanwhile, Echo, unable to speak and now obsessed with Narcissus in his rejection of her, wastes away and turns to stone on the side of the pool staring over to him. Crumbly and alone. An absolute Echo of her former self.
Wastes away obsessed with him.
Exactly what my friend was in the throes of. She had become an echo.
(Not to me, of course – I could see that old self bubbling away waiting to be re-born because let’s face it, we’re not Roman myth and we can rebuild, winks the therapist.)
There’s a version of this we can extrapolate out, to Trump and Musk and other grand men with Narcissistic traits whose abusive and non-sensical behaviour leave us confused, upset, feeling helpless and controlled… and what do we do?
What do WE DO?
We obsess. We write. We rage. For a while, we might analyse and try to understand.
But, in order to re-build, we must de-centre them from our lives. Even when they’re trying to control our every move.
Of course there is a process of discovery, learning about narcissism and how it shows up – this is validating as hell - but ultimately, these people exist and always will. And they don’t call themselves out, no flashing flags screaming ‘MONSTER’. You may even find that if you share friends, everyone thinks you’re mad for even suggesting it. So in order to protect ourselves for the future – particularly in the dating world, we have to focus on Echo – on yourself.
So, what does a good relationship feel like to you. What do you feel like in it?
Is it fun?
Do you feel calm in their presence?
Can you laugh with them?
Do you feel boosted and encouraged?
Are they your biggest cheerleader?
Can you recognise how calm feels in your body?
The gorgeous Bell Hooks says that to love is to commit ourselves to someone’s spiritual development and I hold that as the very best definition I’ve heard.
Read it again, let it sink in.
If any of those phrases above feel like a no – question it – is it temporary? Or does it feel immoveable? How would it feel to confront your partner about it and wonder about it together?
There will be arguments and disagreements – you’re different people with different feelings, views, perspectives – all normal. But do you feel held in good regard? Heard? Like you matter? Like you can raise and discuss difficult things?
Once we know how what we want feels, we can identify much more quickly when a relationship is not what we want.
Because the most tricksy thing about a relationship with a narcissist is that – like my friend said - “it was amazing at the start” and so we’re waiting for that to come back – we think “that brilliant part must be the real them, not this part I can see now.”
But that difficult part you can see now is the real them. And that first part was too! – a real part – a part that totally fell for you, hook, line and sinker – but it’s also the ‘honeymoon’ phase of the relationship, or ‘limerent’ phase, where no one’s seeing each other too clearly yet and intimacy is yet to form. A totally normal process.
The true relational part comes a few months in as we begin to see the more vulnerable parts of each other: the narcissist will panic and defend themselves from being ‘seen’. Deep down, they’re terrified of those deeper layers and will do anything to protect their ego. The defence, for them, with no empathy to feel for you, that will be at your expense. Rather than be seen, they’ll attack. And that’s when you’ll feel like you’re walking on eggshells, you might start to be lied to, or told ‘that’s not what you said’ maybe ‘no, that’s not how you feel, why would you feel like that?’
Talk to friends. Talk to family. You’re not alone.
The most beautiful, sensitive part of my gorgeous friend – her kind, empathetic, over excited sweetness, had been exploited and left for dust.
And now, we had to focus on getting those vibrations back and focus on Echo, not her Narcissus.
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